Party of One

Last week I went to the movies for the first time – alone. The idea first came to me out of convenience, I wanted to see a movie at 11:30 during the week and not many people are available to join in. But the idea of going it alone turned more into a personal challenge when my nerves began to grow to a high level. My anxiety boiled down to two basic fears:

1. Being seen as a loser.

I felt like I was warped back in time to those awful Jr. High dances where I would lean up against the wall awkwardly holding my punch and bopping to the music – exposed as the unpopular kid I was. One of my biggest fears growing up was to be exposed as being rejected. Rejection is rough enough – but people observing it can seem unbearable.
The thought of walking in to a movie theater by myself – exposing my physical aloneness to others, who were not physically alone, intimidated me. I am amazed as an adult that I choose to manipulate my life choices to the point that I do not expose myself to much vulnerability anymore. As a kid you are forced into it all the time - it makes me admire kids all the more – they have to be way braver in their day to day life than I do.

2. Having my throat slit.

Okay – so this is a bit of a reach, mind you, but stay with me. A few years ago I saw Scream 2 (spoiler alert!!!) where in the first five minutes of the movie I watched as Jada Pinkett Smith sat in a movie theater engrossed in a film when all of the sudden a killer, who is sitting behind her, reaches down and cuts her throat while everyone is screaming at the movie being played. That scene has haunted me and implanted a fear of meeting the same fate when I go to the theater. I usually combat this fear in a two fold manner. A) I take someone with me and feel better just knowing that if I was attacked someone would be there to aide me. B) I wear a turtleneck.

I realize that although 100% cotton is not usually very effective against a knife – there is a psychological comfort in having my neck completely covered, and I think it sends the clear message of “Stay away!” much like a burglar alarm protects a house.

However, since this is July and my first fear of being seen as a loser would only be increased by the visual of me wearing a turtleneck, I decided to be even more risky and go with my neck fully exposed.

Equipped with my determination, I headed off to see “The Proposal” – increasing fear #1 slightly (due to the girly romantic nature of the film) and reducing fear #2 slightly (because there would be not be an abundance of screaming in the film – making an attempted throat slicing harder to get away with).

The overall experience was great.

The pros:

* I got to go see a movie sooner rather than later.

* I had a good time – I really like the movie and enjoyed watching it (love Betty White).

* I liked going out in the world alone – knowing I don’t always have to have someone with me to have fun or enjoy something. I am woman – hear me roar!

The cons:

* Not having someone to turn to and talk about the previews. Previews are one of my favorite parts of the movie going experience and the ONLY time I like talking.

* I cry easily at movies. I cried at this movie. I felt a wee bit vulnerable leaving “The Proposal” by myself with a tear stained face. So what did I do? I got out my cell phone and pretended I was talking to someone so as to create the illusion that I was not alone in this world watching movies about love and acceptance. Alright…I am woman…hear me whimper?? What can I say…fear #1 still gets me sometimes.

Hello, My Name Is....

This past week Brian and I decided to stay in Columbia for one more year before moving out to Seattle for my graduate studies. As with most things in life this decision drums up a myriad of emotions felt on various levels of intensity. Relief is mixed with regret, calm is tinged with anxiety and certainty holds its share of doubt.

Now what?

I find myself searching for a label to wear this year. Blake is going off to full day Kindergarten so I will be removing the label of full time child care provider that I have been wearing for the past 8 years. I am not attending school yet, so my “student” label will have to wait. And I am no longer working part time – so scratch that off the list as well.

My label has served as my defense in the past - my credential - verifying my worth as a person. I feel like my human credibility license is about to expire and I need to go to the Department of Human Worth and Validity to get a renewal.

Will I seize this opportunity to search out and find a new aspect of myself – or will I rush to cover my tracks and maintain appearances by quickly filling the void with the nearest familiar opportunity?

Stay tuned and I guess we’ll all find out.

Welcome Summer

big leafy trees
kids that smell like sunscreen when you snuggle them
bare feet
crisp blue swimming pools
smokey bbq's with veggie kabobs
lemonade
birds telling you it's morning
spray parks
vacations
open widows
flip flops
big summer movies
going to t-ball games
playing with the kids
bright stars on a clear night
time with family
time with friends
reading good books

Welcome Summer, stay as long as you like.

Wanting to Offer More

Tonight you needed me, or maybe I just thought you did. I tried to teach you something about this world and how to be in it, but found it hard to teach things I barely have ahold of myself. I wanted to be better than I was for you. I wanted to be wiser than I am. I am sitting here wanting to offer more than I am able. You look to me as the one with all the answers, if only you knew how few I have to give. I was reminded tonight how desperately I want to be the one who is able to provide you with all that you need - but I don't know whose benefit that wish is more for - yours or mine. As words failed me when I was talking with you tonight I was reminded so clearly that I am a mom - not a savior - even though I often forget and try to play both. How I wish I could be the one who redeems your world - who eases your pain, answers all of your hearts questions, and calms every last fear. Both these desires and my inablilty to meet them reveal my humanity in ways that I sometimes am not prepared for. I want to be strong. I want to be real. I don't know what that looks like when it comes to you and I. These are all the words that were racing through my heart and mind tonight even though I never said them out loud. I feel compelled to run away from things when I feel I am doing them poorly, but I refuse to run from you. Please know that when there is an akward long pause between us as you wait for an answer that I am unable to give - that sometimes all I have to offer is my not-running. Sometimes that is all I have to give.

Waiting

Lately I’ve been waiting. That seems to be the part of the journey we are in right now. Waiting has left me with a lot of time to think…mainly about how much I hate waiting. It’s hard for me to embrace waiting. Instead I find myself trying to either manipulate it, or distract myself from it. Rarely am I fully present in the waiting –why would I want to be? It seems empty – like a punishment that must be endured before a much more gratifying part of the process can take place. Isn’t the goal to eliminate waiting altogether? People make good money in this country to try to invent ways to alleviate the burden of waiting in any number of daily activities. They have been successful too, to the point that when I find myself in a situation where when I have to wait I feel almost insulted….it’s 2009…aren’t we past waiting?

Why do I hate waiting? Maybe because it screams with silence. A silence I am scrambling to fill so that I can drown out the questions that begin whispering to me from the deeper corners of my soul. It takes a lot of stillness for those questions to be heard.

I have an annoying habit when it comes to questions…I always try to answer them. Most of the time, I think they just want to be heard. When I really listen to them, I find that many of my questions are doing more telling than asking.

Will there be a way? (I am afraid).

Is this a mistake? (I want to be certain).

What if I am wrong? (I am worried my relationships and acceptance are based purely off of my choices – so they better be right).

Is it okay to want something this badly? (I am afraid to care deeply).

Is this going to happen? (I still want to hope).

Are you there? (I want a comforter for my fears and a constant companion to give me strength for the journey).

So while I am waiting I am trying to keep listening to the questions – making an effort to just let them have room to breathe…and whisper.

Change

So we are making the big move to Seattle. I assure you there will be many blogs to come that will reflect the more contemplative side of things, but for now I think this pretty much sums it up:
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The Right to Appear Ridiculous Is Something I Hold Dear

I have sung along with Bono all week. Whenever I get to this lyric the perfectionist in me belts it out as a wish more than a statement of truth. Webster's dictionary defines ridiculous as laughable. There is something appealingly freeing about defending one's right to be laughable. An exhale of "really, everything I do is not that serious". Things in life have tended to be of the serious nature lately. The state of the economy has brought to light stories of suffering and hardship. Personally things have had a serious note as Brian and I try to figure out if we are going to pick up and move our family 2000 miles away. So I find myself looking for the ridiculous today - not just outside of me, but my personal right to appear ridiculous as well. That is why I am typing this post with a giant pair of underwear on my head. Wish you could see that? I bet if you close your eyes you can (think Pee-Wee's playhouse).